Rethinking Back-to-School: Your kid needs play as much or more than school
Part 1 of 4 on Back-To-School. If you're sick of your kids hating school, this is the post for you.
If you’re like most parents, back-to-school season feels like the start of a marathon you didn’t sign up for…
You’re juggling supply lists, packed schedules, and the sudden reappearance of that tone your kids get when they get home tired, hungry, stressed out, and have been sitting all day.
Most parents and kids I know eventually slip into the mindset that school (and therefore learning) is something to survive, not a place to thrive.
But here’s the thing, deep down we know that the whole GOAL of education isn’t to raise kids who are “good” at school. It’s to raise kids who are good at life.
So, what if we used back-to-school season to focus less on getting our kids “ready to behave” and more on helping them love learning?
This is part 1 of 4 of my “Back to school” Substack series; supported, as always, by faithful paid subscribers. Consider whether Whole Parent is worth $5/Mo to you
Part 1: Protect Play Like It’s a Class
Fred Rogers, my favorite parenting expert, once famously said:
Play is often talked about as if it were a relief from serious learning. But for children play is serious learning. Play is really the work of childhood.
Our children begin to play (that is to say learn) at the earliest stages of development.
When I present my 10 month old with a new item she first sets out to figure out what it is and how it works. She turns it over, drops it on the floor, smashes it on the table, and usually puts it in her mouth.
These may seem to most parents the random indiscriminate playing of a thoughtless baby but are, in fact, the work of a curious budding scientific mind attempting to uncover the mysteries of her novel world. Through her actions my daughter, less than a year old, is closely examining a new object, determining if physical laws, like gravity, impact it, testing its strength, and asking the age old question that has often been the difference between life or death for countless generations of our prehistoric ancestors: “Can I eat this?”
The problem is, around 5 or 6 in the United States, we seem to forget what Fred said and we start treating play as if its a reward for learning and not the primary method by which children learn.
Once school starts, it’s easy for free, unstructured, child-directed play to be the first thing squeezed out of the schedule. Recess gets shorter. Homework gets longer. Even our after-school activities, while valuable, are more often than not adult-directed and structured.
Why Real Play Matters More Than We Think
As Peter Gray talks about in his book Free To Learn, play is probably way more important than any of us think.
Here are some reasons bulleted out:
Play literally builds brain architecture. Neuroscience shows that unstructured play strengthens neural connections related to problem solving, emotional regulation, and social skills. Play also builds executive functions. Negotiating the rules of a game, managing frustration after a loss, and adjusting to new challenges all strengthen planning, impulse control, and flexible thinking. These are not only the skills kids need for relationships, they are actually the same skills kids need for success in academics and the workplace.
Play is self-directed learning. Real play, according to Gray, must be chosen and directed by the child. In that space, kids practice decision-making, try out new ideas, and solve problems without an adult scripting the outcome. This means the learning kids achieve through play is deeper and more directly applicable to life than anything that happens in school.
Play protects curiosity. When kids have space to follow their own ideas, they stay in touch with the “what if” thinking that fuels innovation later in life. Curiosity and creativity (according to educational expert Sir Ken Robinson) are “as important as literacy.”
Play is stress relief. School can be overwhelming, especially in the transition back. Play helps kids process the day in a way that feels safe and joyful… and kids need it. Gray (and Jonathan Haidt in his bestselling book The Anxious Generation) link the long-term decline in children’s free, unsupervised play to rising rates of anxiety and depression. With rates of childhood and teen mental health at a truly critical and alarming place, we need more play.
Three Ways to Protect Play This School Year
Schedule it like a class. In Western culture, we schedule what we are actually care about. Pick a time every day where play is non-negotiable. No homework, no errands, no screens, just free, child directed, unstructured real play. Make this your mantra: AT LEAST an hour of play, each and every day.
Let them lead. Resist the urge to “improve” their games or turn play into a learning activity. In fact, just stay out of their way, especially if they’re playing with peers. The magic is in it being theirs.
Be willing to say no. If extracurriculars start eating into play, it’s okay to choose less. Your child’s mental health and creativity are worth it. We often feel pressured if we’re not “giving them opportunities” by signing up for every extra curricular possible. In fact, the opposite is true. We fail to “give them opportunity” when we over-schedule.
When we protect play, we’re not just giving kids a break. We’re giving them the raw material for the skills they’ll need as adults: creativity, resilience, collaboration, and self-direction.
Remember, the whole goal of this education thing is to give our kids the tools they need to live a fulfilling and meaningful life. Play is as important, or perhaps more important, to achieving that goal than anything else.
This week, look at your family’s schedule and ask:
“How much am I prioritizing play?”
Next week we continue the series on school and education. I depend on paid subscribers to keep the posts flowing. If you can support my work here by becoming a paid subscriber, I would be forever grateful. Thank you and good luck!