Halloween is a strange holiday when you really think about it.
Most parents spend the entire year telling their kids not to take candy from strangers, and then the last night in October we dress them up as fictional characters and send them door to door asking strangers for candy.
We tell them not to eat too much sugar, then hand them a pillowcase and encourage them to collect enough Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to survive a nuclear winter.
It’s ridiculous. And that’s why I’ve ALWAYS loved it.
Even more now, as a dad of four, Halloween is one of my favorite nights of the year.
But as someone who spends an unreasonable amount of time studying child development, I also think it’s one of the most interesting opportunities we have to help our kids learn.
Halloween puts children into situations they don’t encounter very often, Situations EXCELLENT for their development.
They have to navigate unfamiliar adults, manage excitement, deal with disappointment, make decisions, and figure out how to handle having a small fortune in chocolate suddenly placed in their possession.
Unfortunately, some of our most well-intentioned parenting instincts can get in the way of that learning.
So here are five things I try to avoid doing with my own kids on Halloween.
1. I would never force my child to say “trick or treat” or “thank you.”
I can already hear the objections…
“Jon, are you seriously saying we shouldn’t teach our kids manners?”
Of course we should teach our kids to be respectful. I’m raising four children who I am working hard to help grow up to be thoughtful, considerate, respectful adults.
But teaching someone to be grateful and forcing them to perform gratitude are two very different things.
When a shy four-year-old freezes in front of a stranger and refuses to speak, demanding that they say “thank you” doesn’t teach gratitude. It just teaches them that an adult’s expectations matter more than their own discomfort.
Instead, I model it.
“Thank you so much! Happy Halloween!”
Chances are, by the third house, they will be habitually chorusing along with you. Kids love a good trope/routine; especially if they are joining in rather than out there standing in the porch light (that feels like a spotlight) all alone.
So in summary of #1: Politeness, while being an important social skill, is caught not taught. Children develop social confidence through positive experiences, not simply by being required to perform on command.
2. I would never force my child to approach a house that scares them.
There used to be a Bernstein Bears book about this one that made a generation of parents feel like this is a good idea…
If your five-year-old is standing frozen at the end of a sidewalk, staring at a twelve-foot skeleton surrounded by artificial fog and motion-activated zombie clowns covered in fake blood with a 25 foot grim reaper hovering ominously above the door… in other words my neighbors.
DON’T FORCE THEM TO GET CLOSER!
Just like numbers 4 and 5 on this list, sometimes good ideas can backfire and do real harm.
